Amanda (manny_bee) wrote in pain_and_l0ve,

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ok. i'm going through some serious self-doubt here, and i think it would be best if i wrote it here and not on my journal.

ray pretty much ignored me on saturday. he didn't even put his arm around me until after the show when people were taking pictures and i looked uberly depressed. maybe he doesn't like as much as he did before? i dunno. i was already feeling kinda low that day and then he didn't seem too interested in me at all. so then i started feeling really sad. THANK YOU, LORD, FOR GIVING ME ACTING ABILITY. i must be pretty good 'cuz i went on stage and acted like a happy peasant. i went through the entire weekend acting happy. i was more of just a robot going through the motions of the day. i was thinking alot about saturday. maybe i'm paranoid. he kept saying that he wanted to kiss me but couldn't because the makeup. he said that people would notice. he said he really wanted to kiss me. well, if he really wanted to, then the makeup and stuff shouldn't have mattered. if he really wanted to, he would have. but he didn't. he mustn't have wanted to too bad. he hasn't called me in a while. the last time i talked to him on the phone, i called him. he hasn't called me in about a week. maybe he's busy, but...i dunno. i really should talk to him about this, but what if he really has stopped liking me as much.

Gawh! i'm telling you, when i'm alone an entire day with NO outside contact, i get a bit paranoid. a bit is saying it lightly. if i talked about how paranoid i get, you'd be calling the asylum to come get me pronto. i don't know why. but i'm like Dale Gribble on King of the Hill i think everyone is plotting against me. or maybe i just don't think i deserve someone to care about me. i'm going to stop this before i scar myself...

ttfn...i guess
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